One Poop to Rule Them All

Even though she's only 7 weeks old, Grace has already demonstrated a knack for making a grand entrance, dating back to the day she was born.  Carrie was due on April 4th, but three weeks before that her water broke.  During a dinner party we were throwing for her parents.  During a tree-uprooting, hurricane level windstorm.  It was truly an epic introduction to the world.

Over the weekend, Grace had another opportunity to make a memorable first impression.  The three of us went to a party where a bunch of our childless friends were meeting our baby for the first time.  We fed Grace before we left home, then packed in the car and headed off.  Since the trip took about 45 minutes, we knew we'd have to change her diaper as soon as we got there, so after saying hello to everyone, we woke Grace up, took her out of her car seat and got ready to get to work.

Immediately upon lifting her up, we learned that we had a situation on our hands.  Grace had a blowout.  For the uninitiated, that's when a poop manages to escape from the leg holes or the top band of the diaper.  Normally, that sounds worse than it actually is.  It happens once or twice a week and is only a little more messy than a run of the mill changing.  As seasoned parents, Carrie and I were initially unperturbed.  Of course, everyone else was wildly entertained by our apparent misfortune.

We took Grace inside, set up the travel changing pad on the kitchen table and, with our host and hostess looking on, got started.  The four of us opened the diaper to reveal the worst thing I've ever seen, and I've seen I Know Who Killed Me.  Carrie and I were taken aback.  Our host and hostess were outright staggered. 

Every single bit of the diaper was saturated with mustardy poop.  Poor Grace's butt, legs, back and tummy were covered with runoff.  Even worse was the smell.  There were literally visual stinklines rising up from the mess.  To get a sense of the vileness, imagine if a wet dog had a baby with the Staten Island dump, then covered it in poop.

Cleanup was obviously no picnic.  Baby wipes weren't going to be enough to handle this, so we opted for an immediate emergency sink bath.  Fortunately, our friends were still in a state of shock (and I'm sure coming to the conclusion that they're never, ever having children), so I don't think they noticed us wrecking their bathroom.  From there, we dealt with disposal, a double bagger if there ever was one.

In the end, I'm glad it happened.  I was excited to introduce Grace to so many of my friends, and because of her flair for spectacular entrances I'm fairly positive that it'll be a day they'll never forget.  Even with extensive therapy and powerful medication.